The Stakes Are High. What Would You Do?

April

11th

POP QUIZ:

How you have handled this in the past has made your life what it is today.

How you continue to handle this will determine what today will be…

…and what tomorrow will bring.

What is it?

In today’s 9 minute and 42 second DTAlpha TalkBack, we discuss one of the single most important ongoing events that determines, influences and dictates what your life will become.

Listen to today’s TalkBack as I share with you a scenario and see what you would do about it. Match your response to the one given, and then let’s discuss what it all means.

Ready?

Listen now!

[audio:http://www.podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3?http://1dtalpha.s3.amazonaws.com/dta_041108.mp3]

Thank YOU for making DTAlpha TalkBack a TOP iTunes Podcast. We hit #4 in our category just a few hours after releasing the podcast. And yesterday, iTunes selected the TalkBack Podcast to be placed in it’s “New and Notable” sections of the “Business” and “Business: Management & Marketing” areas.

Thank you for your support and appreciating the value we bring to you.

“SAY WHAT! You’re not a TalkBack Subscriber in iTunes?” Well, subscribe to the DTAlpha TalkBack Podcast in iTunes and get a free copy of my +130 page “Make Real Money On The Internet” book shipped directly to your door. You also get 14 free Momentum Mixx tracks and exclusive “iTunes Only” content. Click here to subscribe to this Podcast in iTunes (requires iTunes). View the video in the April 3rd 2008 post (below) for easy step-by-step instructions for subscribing in iTunes.

Be sure to TalkBack to me while you’re here. I’m interesting in your point of view. I’m all ears… and I’m listening.

Next Post: Napoleon Hill Says THIS Can Make You Rich, Famous and Successful

Popularity: 3% [?]

Posted in Personal Development

46 Responses to “The Stakes Are High. What Would You Do?”

SaiF:

April 11, 2008 at 10:01 am

Hey Stephen!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on getting a spot on the “New And Notable” sections! =)

I think that response was WICKED! lol

Hey I have a question for you Stephen! It’s not really related but I hope you “talkback” to me here.. hehe..

I’m currently reading “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy right now and I’m learning that the subconscious mind is very good at identifying patterns, wouldn’t you agree?

So, what if you get into another kind of situation – not this petty break up thing – where you are to make quite an important decision?

Do you go with your gut instinct or do you take some time to go analyze everything?

To CANI,

SaiF
The World’s First Teen
Personal Development Video Blogger

[Reply]
Stephen Pierce:

April 11, 2008 at 10:12 am

Hi SaiF (#1), thanks for your kudos and your question. Dr. Murphy’s book is really good. Make sure you get his “Think Yourself Rich” book which goes much more into “application” of what he teaches.

With that said, yes BOTH the conscious and non/subconscious minds recognize and operate based on patterns. It’s a pattern recognition system for the most part.

Habits are patterns that are entrained in our subconscious that are followed like a train on a track. To change them, we create new tracks to replace the old.

What we have to do is proactively reprogram ourselves which is why I created our Mind Power University program (http://www.mindpoweru.com) which we will be releasing again in a week or so.

As for “instinct” vs “analysis” I say it’s both. However, BOTH of these require clean information. By clean information, I mean we need to deal with as many FACTS as we can and not assumptions presented by “black holes.”

Black holes are the situations where something has happened, but you have “no information” to explain it and with no information the mind seeks closure and based on prior programming it will tend to lean towards a negative conclusion.

For example

Your girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t call = they are cheating on you
You heard the voice a guy on your girlfriends voicemail = shes cheating on you
Your date is late and hasn’t called yet = they are standing you up
People a pointing in your direction and laughing = they are talking about you
Someone hasn’t returned your call or email yet = they don’t care or respect you

While the above situations could be true, many times they are not true. However, we only find out when… well, when we find out.

The mind is always seeking closure. That’s why producers use teasers and cliff hangers to pull people in and keep them watching, listening and buying.

Think about the “soaps” like Days of our Live, As The World Turns and even the show 24. They are designed to leaving you hanging at the and because your brain is seeking closure, you will tune in to the next episode to see what happened… at which time you are given another black hole that calls you back to another episode.

With that said, how well we have conditioned ourselves will determine what path the mind defaults to when presented with a black hole of some kind.

I hope this helps.

[Reply]
Sam Hogwood:

April 11, 2008 at 10:23 am

Very instering I want more info.

Thank You,

Sam

[Reply]
Hot Alpha Female:

April 11, 2008 at 10:30 am

Hey Stephen,
Dude this blog is looking soo good and congrats on getting the uber high rating for blogs. Still have a shite load to learn. lol

So thats what the “Dear John” letter is all about. I like this podcast coz it has something semi related to relationships.

Stephen, i think when something emotionally charged happens to us. We are really irrational in that point in time.

Its about being able to control these moments. Take a step back, take a couple of deep breathes and then decide what you need to do.

Its so true that the first feeling that you feel when something happens to is, is prolly going to be your worse.

I know that has been true for me.

But i found that all i really needed was a different and more empowering perspective.

You know im writing this comment, while listening to talkback .. and im writing this stuff down as my thoughts are running .. and then 2 seconds later you talk about what im writing about. Lol Totally cool!

I think it good to surround yourself with people that can give you a diff perspective. Some people can actually help you break your state a lot better than some other people.

Neways dude you ROCK .. and I finally booked my flights .. so I’m DEF gonna see you in MAY … yay!!

Hot Alpha Female

http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

[Reply]
George Kanellopoulos:

April 11, 2008 at 10:36 am

Hi Stephen…

Interesting to see how strategic thinking can really have an instant impact..
Facing these challenges requires flexibility..especially in our thinking..in a ‘crisis’
situation there tends to be a cloud in our thinking and we shut off..

I like your comment on clean information..depending on our state-when we don’t have all
the facts- we tend to fear the worst and start replaying the worst case scenario in our minds

Perhaps it is a matter of our conditioning that produces raw and spontanious reactions
that may harm us.

Overcoming this is the challenge and goes back to flexibility in our thinking..our
willingness to take on new points of view…

Great post..very thought provoking

Regards

George

[Reply]
Laura Remeselnik:

April 11, 2008 at 10:41 am

Congrats on the iTunes!
It’s easy to flight that’s for sure, i’ve learned over the years and the unfortunate circumstances that FIGHT is the only answer!

I know myself and i can usually react wrong at first, BUT i’ve also learned to take a breath, step back, assess and then come up with my response, and it’s a lot better and smoother
Laura

[Reply]
Raymond Chua:

April 11, 2008 at 10:50 am

Thanks for the hilarious story, Stephen.

I have a little confusion here.

Sometimes the first thought is the best and accurate thought generated by our subconscious mind.

However, sometimes, like you said, could be the worst response.

Can you please show us how to identify them. I mean which is the best and which is the worst?

Thank you.

I love all your podcast and I’m looking forward for more.
Twitter: raymond8

[Reply]
Julie Driscoll:

April 11, 2008 at 11:06 am

Very interesting! I enjoyed listening to that advice. Yes, after almost 43 years of being alive I am waking up to the positive and ignoring some of the negative influences from people around me. I am starting a business and using my people skills to contact those people who I know will help to give me a positive growth and develop my business ideas. That was cool.

[Reply]
Rinda:

April 11, 2008 at 11:12 am

You said in today’s podcast that you’d give us information on how to get a free book about making money on the Internet if we subscribed through iTunes. I did. Now what?

You asked for suggestions on how people handle situations by going beyond their first responses. I tend to enjoy writing, and I force myself to sit down and write the events to date, then write three possible outcomes. The first is usually playing out my worst fears. The second usually turns out to be a bit more creative and a happier ending to me. The third is where I finally get out of my mindset and allow myself to think outside the box to come up with a way to be gracious and remain a lady, but also get a bit of a karmic dig (like the guy who sent back a pile of photos asking the girl to choose which one is her).

Someone write “I will write myself into well being.” I think it was Nancy Mair.

Blessings!

Rinda

[Reply]
Hugh:

April 11, 2008 at 11:18 am

OK that is not how I would of handled it…..

I would have just sent the picture back with a short not wishing her the best any thing other is a misuse of energy.

[Reply]
Rahesh:

April 11, 2008 at 11:53 am

I would have probably put it to the side and thought about it for a second and then put it back to them. Just a friendly note, you know? Nothing harsh or determined. Depends on whether it goes that way or not I guess…but that is what I would have done if were it me.

[Reply]
Kevin Halloran:

April 11, 2008 at 11:59 am

Absolutely enjoyed the story
and the lesson. Top Shelf & Spot On!
Keep them coming, Stephen.

[Reply]
John Stockwell:

April 11, 2008 at 12:04 pm

Rules of response:

Stop – avoid emotional reaction
Look – for the ‘why’ of how this problem came up
Choose – to reflect first, avoid emotional reaction, and respond with a win-win resolution.

Sounds hokey
Works well.

John

[Reply]
Ed:

April 11, 2008 at 12:20 pm

hmm…interesting story, not sure that I would have been so cool!

great stuff as always!

Global Resorts Network
membership has it’s privleges!
http://www.globalresortsbiz.biz

[Reply]
Brenda McFadyen:

April 11, 2008 at 12:39 pm

My problem that I deal with on a daily basis is depres-
sion. In 1994, My eldest son
committed suicide. My first reaction was horror, then I sat at the dining room table & didn’t talk or cry. My brain was trying to make sense of it. When the shock ended, I cried for 5 yrs. We constantly visited with the family to try to boost their spirits & help anyway we could. In the 5th year, I sat down and wrote him a letter, telling him I couldn’t go on like this, it hurts too much. From that day forward, I think I cried twice. It took a while for me to give him up, but I knew I had to & so did he.
I’m usually too quick on the pickup, & would have to talk to an independent person with a clear head. The answer
to the above problem was brilliant & mean, just what the jilted guy needed. I’ll remember that answer & try to apply it in any bad situation. Congratulation!

[Reply]
Steve Pohlit:

April 11, 2008 at 12:45 pm

The answers come when we are grounded on who we are. Anger, resentment, stress serve no purpose other than to make us sick and in some cases become the source for some disease. However, all of us have traditional programming so while we still have an ego driven reaction it is best to let time pass in a situation like the letter which could be similar to a challenging situation with your child, job, business or someone you just met at a service station.

The severity of the situation will guide you to the time you need and the support of others. There is no substitute for a powerful network. My career accelerated the fastest when there was a continual stream of terrific people coming into my life. Now my business position is different but there is no shortage of outstanding people. Stephen Pierce for example provides guidance here and I am networked with him on http://www.facebook.com as well a other terrific people (join us).

On a higher level, for me it has been important to make a commitment to a life of peace and happiness. See several recent posts on this at http://www.prosperitytip.com

Wellness, happiness and prosperity to all
Steve
http;//www.asktheconsultant.biz

[Reply]
Stephen Prierce Asks What Would You Do? | Steve Reports:

April 11, 2008 at 12:55 pm

[...] lessons from Stephen Pierce at his blog DTalpha are excellent . Click Here listen to the message and my response below will make more sense to you. Stephen welcomes all [...]
John Peace:

April 11, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Hi Stephen,

Another great TalkBack!

Michael Losier talks about this with a great video on YouTube, as he calls it, your Response-Ability, or your ability to respond.

Some listeners may like to see it, here’s the url;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTHTxLP6P3c

I am not sure about the soldiers response to his ex’s letter, a bit like scoring points! But it makes a good point.

Any response should always be considered, thoughtful, appropriate and measured.

But don’t forget What You Give is What You Get!

As always I look forward to the next TalkBack

John Peace
The Law of Attraction Guide.

[Reply]
Lisa:

April 11, 2008 at 1:10 pm

I have learned that investing negative energy to solve a problem only brings back more negative energy. In the dear John scenario, spending energy to make her hurt as much as he was hurt was not productive in a possitive manner. Would it not have been better to just let her go her way and spend his emotional energy in a more positive way?

Just another perspective to think about.

[Reply]
Samuel Hill:

April 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Hi Stephen,

The outcome of a challenge is usually much better when you step back and look at the different alternatives. Keep up the good work and have a great day.

Samuel M Hill

http://www.bestquality.com and http:bestqualitybuy.com/iMall

[Reply]
John Curran:

April 11, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Hi Stephen,

Congatulations on reaching a top spot on itunes! Your information is definately fat free, and filled with inspirational nuggets of wisdom. I like your approach toward application of principals. I teach in a similar fashion.

In my experience, I have found that it’s not what happens to you as much as it is how you choose to respond to what happens to you. It’s how we process what happens to us that matters most. For example, in the scenario that you described about the cheating girlfiend,they could also consider responding differently by realized that she isn’t the kind of person they would want to be with anyway. It would be better to know this sooner rather than later.

Whenever I’m faced with challenges,I utilzed the collective consciousness of many people to come up with the best possible outcome.

Napolean Hill was one of the great thinkers of his time. Many successful people ofen refer to his book Think and Grow Rich when they teach. I know Bob Proctor is a big fan of his. I read his book many years ago, and have recently started reading it again. It has helped me to develop some new insights after the second reading.Thanks Stephen, for being a catalyst for change!

The key is to stay plugged in to your source of wisdom (higher power), and surround yourself with people like Stephen! I hope my thoughts are helpful to your listeners.

John Curran, AUTHOR, TEACHER, LIFE COACH
http://www.CoachCurran.com

[Reply]
Joe:

April 11, 2008 at 4:10 pm

I am rookie so I haven’t had much of your training and ideas
in this present stream.

I am kind of not getting it on this one.

I don’t see how this dear john letter is a challenge?

I think of challenges as something which has a goal
or an outcome that must be struggled to some degree
to obtain.

In this example, there is nothing to gain.

The will of the other person is to separate and it is done.

There is no target to hit, goal to acheive, relationship to save
or reason to try. Well no- there may be a reason to try…

I just don’t believe from my experience there is much
chance of succcess since you can no longer trust her anyway.

Making her feel as bad as possible is not much of an outcome
to work toward. The girl would chuckle and say, “nice try”
or “good for you” and shrug and toss the pics in the round file.

What kind of win does the response of sending the pictures give
him?

It reminds me of children saying, “no I’m not! You are!” “No
I’m not! You are!”

When my wife of twenty years told me she wanted to leave and
didn’t love me and hadn’t for a long time, I was confsued and hurt
needed years to work those things out and still do in some ways.

But I knew there was no goal available to fix it. But inside
me the challenge was huge. A friend or two would ask me,
don’t you want to kill them?” and I said, “well no, I love her…”

A big part of the challenge is in my view to still feel like a winner
when you have been rejected by someone you love.

That the person you most wanted to be esteemed by declares
their lack of esteem, and you have based, both purposefully
and unconsciously, your self esteem on their love for you,
you will have a big challenge to salvage and repair that damage.

Like a saleman who must value the product before he can convey
it’s value, you struggle to value the product of YOU again,
since someone you deeply respected has shown that you have in their
estimation less value.

I had never realized how much I based my self value on us and not me.
Almost half of my life had been husband. My work had been bread winner.

That’s my challenge in this area and what this example means to me.

How do I learn to empower myself again- revalue myself- and believe that it is
better to try than to coast. I have been coasting since the future
I had been pedaling toward is not there.

Like when Forrest Gump just stops running.

Realizing I am free to go anywhere means that I am not going
somewhere specific. Anywhere is a hard place to find.

So maybe my answer is that that you get confused about what to do
next and stay that way for three years! I don’t recommend it to others
but as I read back through what I wrote it seems like how I handled
my challenge…

Joe Elligott
Vancouver WA

[Reply]
Gary Ford:

April 11, 2008 at 5:04 pm

Stephen,

Here is my response to such a jilting girl friend’s
letter and photo return request as you describe:
—————————————————–
I’d thank her for her informative letter, but decline
returning her photo, explaining that it represents a
portion of my life which gave me immense hope and joy,
that I will retain that photo to allow my remembrance
of our short but wonderful period of time, as well as
her essential portion which inspired my love of her,
as a loving, if fading, memory; that when I grow old, assuming I do, I can smile and hope she had chosen her
best course in life, as I remember all her wondrous qualities which I had found inspiring and lovable.

Then I would wish her well in her interactions with
her current paramour/s, for however long these happen
to remain in her thrall, hoping at least one of them will value and treasure her as much I did and would
have continued for my whole life long had she become
my wife.

Finally I would regret her action and decision,
but say, “It is your right!” and “Such is life – Good-bye, and God Speed!”
—————————————————–

Such is a non-hostile response which wastes little
time, energy or effort, yet imparts an opportunity
of peace and happy memories.

Sincerely,

Gary Gene Ford, An Iowan Idiot in Alberta
ggford@shaw.ca – swimp@shaw.ca

[Reply]
Merv Nash:

April 11, 2008 at 5:53 pm

Dear girlfriend,
Thank you for your honesty.
Picture enclosed.
Good luck
John

[Reply]
arthur:

April 11, 2008 at 6:21 pm

Hi Stephen,

Great Talkback.

It is important to reflect on the challenge,
before one responds. This will require that we fully
evaluate the situation(s) and then respond in a calm
and a non-emotional approach.

I agree based upon my experiences that the first response is usually the wrong response.

Stephen thanks for your help.

Take care

Arthur
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ArthurRego

[Reply]
Jimmi:

April 11, 2008 at 7:07 pm

Hi Stephen,

First of all my compliments to the response to the John dear letter; I had a good laugh from that one. I was really surprised by the different kind of response offered and that was probably the point.

Now I want to tell You what I would have done in that situation. – As a matter of fact, I can tell You excactly what I DID do. The thing is, that a similar situation happened to me about 9 months ago; except for the fact that I am not a soldier and this girl did not cheat on me. But it was an otherwise similar situation as I am about to explain. So here it is…

I had this girlfriend and we had some trials in our relationship based on my job vs her job. She worked from about 06-14 on most days and I worked from 22-06 at night. Because of this we had limited time to spend with eachother and I guess that was kind of an issue – she wanted me more around and I cannot possibly blame her; after all I am an excellent companion.
Anyway one day she was kind of in a wierd mode before I had to go to work. She was kind of distant and I had a hard time communicating with her. So anyway I went to work and afterwards I went home to my own appartment.

Now; I was unable to get in touch with her for several days after that. I tried calling her, writing her and so on. But I did not recieve any response and that really bothered me – I started to get worried about her.
So finally I practically begged her to reply, at least to say that she was alright because I was worried sick. She finally did respond and she was rather aggitated – as if I was bothering her and that came as a surprise. Well shortly after I was able to get her to write me over the internet – I could not get her on the phone, so I settled for writing. – And she gave me the old “I need to find myself” and explained that she had no room for me in her life. She wanted to take care of herself and her daughter, and she wanted to have a break. That was pretty much all she had to say at that time.

Well I logged off and felt pretty darn misserable. I had really been trying my best to make things work and I knew that this girl had been very much in love with me for years – so I could not understand her position. So my response was that I was hurt and I was feeling very sad. I remember sitting alone in the dark livingroom and just feeling aweful and broken hearted.

However it did not take me long to remember my priorities. I suddently remembered that I had made a commitment to be happy so here is what I thought in that moment; “Hey I do not want to feel misserable, I want to be happy and I am in control of the way that I feel”. So I sat up and I intensely starting thinking about all of the good things that I had in my life to be grateful for. My objective was to put my focus on some positive things in my life, rather than this hurt that I was faced with. So I started going through a vast number of things and really tried to get into the feeling of gratitude and quickly I actually started feeling better.

From that position I decided to take a look at our relationship; and I do not mean looking at ALL of the pink and fluffy positives – I mean taking an honest look at the ENTIRE relationship. I had this thought, that if she wanted to rit herself of me, then surely there had to be some fundamental issue or something indicating that we were perhaps incompatable with eachother. So I went looking at the relationship trying to figure this out. – I realised that she was not really the kind of girl that I truly wanted to spend my life with. I realised that she did not posses that many of the qualities and values that I desire to find in a woman. I could suddently see that we were actually wrong for eachother; she did not possess the things that I wanted and I did not posses the things that she wanted. – She wanted to “stay” where she was in life and I wanted to expand myself. So we were simply meant to grow appart.
Now suddently I was finding all of the things I had to be grateful for as a result of our relationship ending and I was not picky about it. First of all I thought of ALL the money I would save; I thought about all of the time I would have to spare and spend to now study more AND I thought; “Heeeey I am single again – nice!”

Anyway all of this happened within just a few hours and I found myself in a position where I was completely over her. And it really surprised me to find out that I was able to heal a broken heart so fast simply be taking charge of my feelings and taking action towards the goal of dealing with it. Point is that I changed fast.

ANYWAY we spoke again the next day (or the day after) and this time I was giving her all of the support that I could muster.
I said; “You go and find yourself and take all the time You need – You can do it!” And I was giving her the rest of her life to find herself by saying that. I absolutely agreed that our breakup was the best decition for the both of us, so I had no problem in supporting her decition and letting her know that I wanted the very best for her in the future. No hard feelings, no regret and no catch at all. I showed compassion, support, understanding and care to simply help her get on her way to a better place in life.

Well needless to say, she never did go out to “find herself”. When a person says that they want to “find themselves”, they are pretty much just throwing an excuse in your face and I kind of knew that the moment she said it. Anyway she never did find herself and within a very short period of time she wanted be back. However I had already made up my mind that SHE had made a good decision for the both of us to begin with and I was committed to make it so.
The tables kind of turned; I was the one who actully was and is determined to find myself and I for one realise that You do not need solitude to do that – it is a lifetime journey that I have indeed commited myself to and that is no “excuse”.

So in conclusion my response became letting her go completely and accepting her decision. Furthermore it was to support her decision and letting her know that she had my blessings to go out and make a wonderful life for herself. The odd thing was that she wanted to return to me and that kind of reminds me of a guy who said something like this: -

“Everthing that You try to hold on to wants to escape and everything that You willingly let go off will return to You”.

– He did not use those words excactly, but You get the point and I believe that there may just be some truth in that.
So in regard to the John dear letter I would do the excact same thing. I would uncover my personal positives and be grateful for the fact that a relationship that was not meant to be was over. I see no point in trying to hold on to a woman who is so poorly devoted to me; so letting that woman go is a greater favor to me than it is for her and I would thank her for letting me out of her life. So claimb your freedom, take your picture back and feel free to “devote” yourself to the man you cheated on me with. I am sure You will never cheat again. (yeah right)

My main point is, that I can only be accountable for my own life and my own actions. I would not want to spend time trying to figure out what I did that made her cheat on me and break up with me. SHE made the decision to cheat on me and then break up with me, that means that she is the one who has issues because I would never do that.
The thing that I can personally relate to are the areas where I have an influence. I can decide to become a better and smarter person, so that the next time I choose a relationship with a girl I make a better choice and that is pretty much it. We were incompatible and that is just that; no need to blame her and no need to blame myself. She just happens to be a person who cannot be trusted and/or who lacks the decency to break up with me without having to try and do a tapdance on my heart. – She knew that her letter would hurt me, so why did she throw in that extra punch right!? – I have no room for such a woman in my life and I would let her go gratefully.

I guess my values are pretty well defined and ultimately a woman or person cannot push me away without getting pushed away. I believe that things and people either attract eachother or repell eachother. If I am repelled then there is a reason for that and it motivates me to find the cause of that: Is it I who is out of sync with something that I really want; or am I in harmony with myself and thereby repelling something that I wrongly assume that I want… Or is it a mixture of both!?!
Well that kind of gives me that other perspective where I am forced to step outside of myself and observe things. I always ask myself what I have done to bring about that specific person or situation and I always ask myself what actions I can take to correct that and produce a better result. If there is a “negative” person in my life I do not assume responsibility for their actions, but I take full responsibility for accepting them in my life. – Like I said earlier I do not blame myself; I simply analyse it with the intention of correcting my mistake in regards to the given situation or person. Furthermore I make no attempt to change that other person; I focus only on changing myself. I know that I would most likely fail to change that other person into a person that I like better even if I tried; so why bother. In stead I attempt to act on and with the only person that I have power to control – myself. And by making internal changes I can start making better decisions and finding a closer match to the “thing” or person that I am looking for.

Anyway this is just me trying to say a lot with few words (relatively). I just believe that it is more important to keep your focus on what You want in life and allow them to flow into your life, instead of holding on to bad things; trying and hoping to make them better. If You hold a piece of wood in your hands and you really want a coin, then it would be foolish to assume that the bark will ever turn into a coin. However it is quite possible to trade the wood for a coin and that means letting go of the wood and staying focused on what You want to put in it’s place.
I do not pose to say that You should just quit on something or someone every time an issue occurs. But simply ask yourself if it really poses the kind of value that You claimb it to have. If You took again you may just discover that you are carrying wood around; let it go and get the coin if that is what You want. But you have to let go, otherwise your hands will not be free to hold the coin right!? Do not be affraid to create a void; a void simply means that there is room for something new.

Kind regards

Jimmi

[Reply]
Lori B.:

April 11, 2008 at 7:30 pm

The soldier’s response was absolutely brilliant.

First of all, it was a testimony to the “Mastermind Group” that you spoke of the other day (since he had help coming up with the idea).

Second, and most importantly, I believe this is the best possible response that will continue to help the soldier (emotionally) in the future. Think about it … this guy has a pretty serious “crisis situation” job. Every day that he wakes up, he is wondering if he will make it through the day. His very life and the lives of many others could depend upon “how” he performs his job. If he is emotionally blown out – that could easily affect his job performance.

Well, now when he has thoughts of his ex, instead of running sad thoughts of betrayal and rejection through his mind – he can easily turn them around and just start laughing about her imagined response to “his” letter.
I would do the exact same thing. I don’t feel that this is a waste of negative energy at all because in the end this is insuring me positive thoughts (which include laughter) whenever I think about the ex. And that’s what it’s all about – “our” response and thought process not the other persons i.e. who cares what her response is or if she even gets the package.

As far as getting what you give – If the girl was stupid enough to cheat on the soldier and then have the audacity to ask for her picture back (HELLO, what was that about?!?) then she would be getting what she gave when she received the soldier’s package.I might go so far as to say that if the soldier believed in the “getting what you give” theory, he might even view it as an “obligation” to send her the package;)

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents …

Lori B.
http://www.UnityHomeFitness.com

[Reply]
JAW:

April 11, 2008 at 8:20 pm

So how do I get this book now that I subscribed?

[Reply]
Rodwell:

April 11, 2008 at 8:23 pm

Hi Stephen,

What you’re talking about here certainly rings true for me. I can’t tell you the number of times/situations where my “emotional response” has made the difference in how my life has turned out.(Incidentally, this is particularly true with the ladies in my life. he-he)
These days, now that I’m aware of the importance of having a number of healthy emotional responses to draw on, my possibilities (particularly in relationships)seem to be without limits! Add to that the importance of turning to the right people for advice, (my mastermind group) and my life just seems to be getting better every day.

Many thanks for your talkback show, and please keep up the good work.

Kind Regards,
Rodwell Faulkner
Australia

[Reply]
Darwin:

April 12, 2008 at 12:21 am

We mostly respond through our ego based on pre-programming. Instead of allowing our ego to control us we need to step back and take a few deep breaths instead of allowing a default response to occur.

[Reply]
Geoff Dodd JV:

April 12, 2008 at 1:01 am

Hi Stephen,

What a strategic and proactive outcome that story had! Brilliant idea that turns the tables on the enemy. Kind of a roadside bomb when she goes out to the mail box and kaboom!
Emotions are so powerful, and while ‘first thoughts are best’ that doan’ mean ‘first emotions are best’ – hey, emotions are DA BOMB and thoughts are.. da plan. The use of meditation and brain wave entrainment will certainly prepare the individual for a more CREATIVE whole brain proactive strategic response to an emotionally demanding challenge, like losing a chicken.

Geoff Dodd
in my Year of The JV.

[Reply]
garth:

April 12, 2008 at 2:43 am

this website is still inaccessible

the left navigation bar is overlapping onto the main section

[Reply]
Norma Hales:

April 12, 2008 at 4:04 am

Hi Stephen

What a blessing your blog has become for my life.
I am not only learning from you, but all the different people and their responses.

With regards the “Dear John” scenario, which I’ve had similar situation, I know I was devastated emotionalyl which actually affected my health.

In retrospect I now realize that I did not value wyself and my own capacity to ‘spring back ‘, thinking I would never find any one else etc,.

I now know I need to work on my mindset and self development

Thanks again

Gratefully

Norma

[Reply]
Nick Segal:

April 12, 2008 at 5:50 am

Yes, well true, I found think your self rich original version back in 1989 for £1.00 sterling at a car boot sale, new it was true back then just didn’t put the steps into action…Now nearly 20 years later I work in the field of addictions where this is all very very relavant..
e.g your first response is always your worst response. STOP… before you Fight or Flight from F.E.A.R. (False Evaluation About Reality)..Love from Nick at http://www.acustimtraining.co.uk

[Reply]
Vince:

April 12, 2008 at 7:04 am

Hi Stephen
Great pod cast (boy I’m tier of saying that but it is soooooo true).
My response to the letter would be first of all to take a clean page and write down the issue or subject long hand. I would then have another piece of paper and divide it into two columns, on the left hand column I would write advantages and on the right hand column I would write dis advantages.

Having written all the above I would set about writing a letter thanking them for being so honest and letting me know the true situation. I would then go on to write them all the advantages I recorded in the left column and thanking them for the time we had together.

I would finish by including a comment that went something like all the best for the future and as you went away from me I could not concider a reconcilliation as the doubt of your loyalty would always be in the way.

The above is of course hypethetical as once being attached to be no one in their right mind would ever want to leave me. (modest as always).

best wishes

Vince
Twitter: vince_mullo

[Reply]
Glen:

April 12, 2008 at 10:32 am

Well if I did that to my ex she would probably hunt down all the girls in the photo’s and end up inside!

I completely understand thinking before taking action with everything no matter how emotional the situation is causing me to be. My problem is thinking too much sometimes. I am a self confessed perfectionist an so I will wait till I come up with the mother of all come back’s (wouldn’t of thought of that tho, classic!). But it’s picking an option and taking action where I fall short.

Great advice for everyone I think Steve and a cracking little story.

[Reply]
PV Reymond:

April 12, 2008 at 11:21 am

I agree Stephen, the first respond is almost always the worst respond.

The point is that when you get into an unexpected difficult situation it is hard to have self control and start thinking to find the best solution. We tend to act immediately doing the first thing that pops up in our minds. It is our instinct which takes us to do that.

There is an important thing that you have to understand and it is that you have to train your mind to solve difficult situations and problems, everything starts in your mind and then it flows to the rest of the body – mouth, arms, legs, etc.

How you act is a direct result of how you think. Therefore your success in any situation you face depends on how well you think and how well you apply what you think.

On the other hand, try always to ask others about your specific situation because they see it from a different angle. Remember that the hardest thing in thinking is escaping from your own point of view.

Learn to listen and evaluate other people’s opinions. That’s crucial when it comes to success.

Thanks,
PV Reymond

http://www.pvreymond.com
Twitter: pvreymond

[Reply]
Misa:

April 12, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Hello Steven,

I totally agree. My first response used to be very emotional and generally made things worse. Now after several years of practice I do not react this way any more. I try to find the best solution myself first. If I am not successful at it I turn for help to people I can trust. I can tell you it works fine. Now I am able to solve almost any problem I encounter.

Thank you.

Misa

[Reply]
mary:

April 12, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Hi Stephen,

Mastermind group idea is a good one, provided you form the right group. I was listening to your question: How do you respond to challenges? It depends on the situation you are in and the kind of people you are dealing with. Positive people spread positive energy and negative people vice versa.

[Reply]
Ewa:

April 12, 2008 at 2:44 pm

Every challenge gives possibilities to respond or not. Usually I try to check in and respond and my answer depends on the kind of challenge. Responding brings advantage for any change which we still need for our growing.

[Reply]
Dr Stan Harris:

April 13, 2008 at 8:46 am

Stephen,

You are so right, the 1st thought is often the wrong response. Thanks for sharing, and congrats on the success!

Dr Stan Harris
http://www.DrBreakThrough.com
http://www.TheInternetMentor.com

[Reply]
Brenda:

April 13, 2008 at 9:30 am

I agree with the soldier’s and the Lieutenant’s responds. The soldier was crush but instead of keeping the pain to himself (which would probably cloud his judgement and get him killed) he sought out counsel from his Lieutenant.

I believe the Lt. really had the challenge. Lt. is responsible for the lives of the soldiers under him. He has to keep their spirit and moral high so them can think on there feet to stay alive. He could not let a dear john letter destroy the thinking of one of his soldiers. Making the soldier write the letter was not, so much as to get back at the girl, as it was to restore the proud and spirit of the soldier.

How my responds would have been different. I would allow myself to feel the hurt and pain, then call a friend who I knew would lift my spirits. I would tell myself, don’t take it personnel, everyone is not meant to stay in your life forever and you deserve better. I would make a copy of the picture and burn (symbolically freeing myself from this relationship to start a new) it along with the letter and sent her the ashes long with her picture.

[Reply]
Julia:

April 14, 2008 at 12:12 am

Very timely message for me.
The other day I was blind-sided by a nasty attack on my integrity by someone I had held in high respect in a group situation where I couldn’t easily respond. She treated me like she has never treated anyone else she had a disagreement with since I have known her. She listed other things (name calling, lies in writing, etc.) that other people had done that had caused her much stress, but only named me and I had done none of the things she listed. What I had done was I had made a presentation about mistakes made by many people in our group, naming no names and that saved our group almost $1,000, but she hadn’t liked the way I made the presentation.
I did not respond, I did not make a scene, I did get emotional, but quietly kept my place without saying a word.
At a break in the meeting, some people came over and agreed with me that I didn’t deserve that treatment at all. Some people were curious what she was talking about and they had heard my presentation and were one of the people who had made the error. Good support, but not total support from the group, leaving me baffled as to what to do next.
I have been trying to compose an email that would not make the situation worse, but allow me to let her know my feelings, all from an “I” point of view.
It doesn’t matter if it takes me a week or more to get it right. I am trying to keep it from my heart and very honest and let her know that the offer I had made twice before to talk to her personally about the problem still stands and I do not want to have our past good and working relationship totally destroyed, but that I was baffled by her actions that seemed so uncharacteristic of her past way of dealing with problems in our group, and in contrast to her work as a Mediator and in Restorative Justice she does outside our group.
And that it has made me take a hard look at my giving so much time and energy to this association and getting back little recognition of what I have done good for 34 years, but a “bad presentation” (sounded like a school marm someone else told me) deserved public nastiness, not the courtesy of a private conversation.
A first reaction would be to quit, but that is not in my, nor a larger part of the group’s best interest, a Festival I coordinate and benefits many members of the artistic community beyond our organization who do appreciate my contributions.
Although, stepping back and breathing thru this weirdness is taking an emotional toll, I am still looking for the positive side of this situation, just can’t totally define it yet. And feel glad I didn’t lash out at her in anger at the meeting, nor in a quickly composed email.
Now, after listening to this TalkBack, I am thinking about how to find the perfect twist to make it OK on all sides rather than worsen the situation.
Julia

[Reply]
Bruce T:

April 14, 2008 at 11:07 am

Great lesson for life’s many challenges and as a rugby coach great technique to coach. Bruce T.

[Reply]
Mark Collard:

April 16, 2008 at 12:26 am

Thanx Stephen, as usual, a thought provoking session. For me, I struggle with the fact that often my first impression (perhaps not action) is close to the money, but I hear what you have said also. It is absolutely crucial that I step back every time and check that this first response is a good / prpductive / healthy one.

cheers, Mark

How To Win Lotto Prizes Frequently – Guaranteed!

Ice-Breakers & Group Games That Work “No Props: Great Games with No Equipment” by Mark Collard

[Reply]
katerina:

April 16, 2008 at 3:32 am

hello
where do you know all these things?your knowledge is amazing!

this was a great story.

i have challenges in my life and almost always i try to think before acting or i think sth else,i focus on a different subject.
usually when i dont like a situation, i feel depressed and overwhelmed by the negative emotions.so i try to focus on sth else.

its a very good idea to ask advise from someone with a different thinking more creative and smart. i usually think of what someone else in my position would do,this means i take characteristics from other people and i was thinking if this was wrong.sometimes i feel like an actress cause i get advices of what i should do and i just do it if i agree.but advices from people that try to grow me and i only accept intelligent ideas.

[Reply]